


Fully Functional

by isissa



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Mentions of Sex, No actual sex, Spaghetti, crackfic, precanon, this entire fic is just a crack fic about robot sex im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-24
Updated: 2015-11-24
Packaged: 2018-05-03 04:27:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5276600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/isissa/pseuds/isissa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mettaton finally works up the courage to ask Alphys about the functions of his EX form.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fully Functional

**Author's Note:**

> this is the closest to a smutfic i'll ever write (probably)

 

The lab was silent, save for the soft clinks of metal against metal and Alphys worked, adjusting screws on the body prototype before her. Mettaton, in his squareish body, sat over to the side, glancing at where his fingernails would be if he had any.

Alphys didn't notice when Mettaton had moved closer to her from his place across the room. Two strong, metal hands placed themselves on Alphys' shoulders. Alphys jumped out of her seat, dropping a screwdriver onto the metal desk in front of her.

“YEEs, M-Mettaton?”

The robot hummed for a moment, placing his hands on his not-quite hips. “Alphys, darling,”

Alphys nodded attentively, heart still beating quickly from the sudden shock she'd just received.

“This new body of mine,” his voice trailed off as he wheeled forward, taking another chance to gaze at it lovingly. The lights on his front lit up in a heart shape. “I was wondering about it's functionality.”

Alphys sighed a relieved breath. “Oh, that's all? We spoke about this, but okay,” she bent over to pick up the screwdriver from the floor, placing it in her mouth as she rose to run her hands over each section of the body in front of her. Her voice came through mumbled as usual, but the screwdriver increased the difficulty in hearing her words properly.

“So, as we agreed, you have this humanoid form, with the face we chose from Mew Mew Kissy Cutie,”

“Yes, dear, but I was wondering-”

“And the speakers here for pre-recorded audio, though I was thinking about putting one on the other side, too-”

“That's wonderful darling, but-”

“And the core...I'm not sure how to stop that overheating issue...B-But!! I can, definitely, maybe, probably-”

Mettaton sighed, wheeling forward and pushing himself up to the height of the desk in front of him. He slammed both gloved hands on the table, turning to face Alphys. The large clank made her jump, shrinking back in fear.

“ _ **YES,**_ but can you fuck it?” 

For a moment, Mettaton thought Alphys' brain might have short-circuited. She stared back at him, mouth agape. The lab fell silent again. 

Mettaton stepped (well, rolled) back from the table, crossing his arms and facing her with his entire body. He sighed, heavily. “Alphys, are you okay in there?” 

Alphys took a moment, closing her mouth slowly, almost robotically, before responding. “Y-Y-Y-Yes. Yes. Definitely. One hundred percent.” 

“Good.” Mettaton clapped his hands together once. “Now, about the body, can you fu-”

“Mettaton!” Alphys' face grew red. “I...that's...we never...” 

“Never...spoke about this before? Well, of course not. Look at how you're acting now, all...all...frigid.” His sharp tongue seemed to make Alphys wince and sink into the floor a little bit. “I  _ knew  _ bringing it up would make you uncomfortable, so I wanted to think of a way to bring it up more casually, but it just...never came up!” 

Alphys still looked horrified, but her stuttering decreased a little bit. “Of course it never came up! I didn't want to think about giving you, my friend,” her voice wavered again. “s-s-s-s-se-”

“Sex bits.” Mettaton finished for her. Alphys yelped 

“Yes!!!” She through her arms into the air rather dramatically. 

“It's not like we haven't spoken about sex before, Alphys.” Mettaton chided. “Those...what did you call them...doujinshu? Doujunshi?” 

“This is different! This is so, so different!” 

“And I know you've read about robots before too, darling. You're not as slick as you thought you were.” 

“That was Evangelion fanfiction and it's art AND it's different!” Alphys made a mental note to hide her fanfiction somewhere else from now on. Mettaton knew all of her possible hiding spots anyway, but she didn't have know that. 

Mettaton huffed. Though his body didn't need to breathe, any sighs or huffs were just for show. He'd also once told Alphys it 'made him more relatable to corporeal folk'. “I have no idea why you're being so difficult.”

“I'm being difficult? Me?” 

“Yes.”  


“Mettaton, is it really unreasonable for me to not want to give you...” 

“Sex bits.” 

“Th-Those.” 

“It is!” He insisted. 

“Mettaton, it's not that I don't want you to be happy, or that I don't want to give you the body you really want, it's just that I'm...”

“You're...?” 

“I'm...Mettaton, I'm...” Alphys clutched at her lab coat. “Not...experienced with this s-stuff.” 

Mettaton gasped, the sound more like static through his external speakers. His hand was in front of his display screen, embodying his shock. “Alphys, you're a virgin?!” 

Alphys bit her lip and seemed to grow smaller, hunched over with her eyes to the floor. “Yes...” 

Mettaton instantly felt a wave of guilt wash over him. “Alphys, I had no idea...” 

Alphys nodded to herself and turned back to the body on the table, tinkering with it absently. 

“I had no idea you needed to get laid!” 

Alphys felt herself choke. “W-” her voice cut off and a raspy breath took it's place. She took a deep breath before speaking again. “What?!” 

“It makes sense, though, yes...It explains those kinks of yours. Poor Doctor Alphys, desperate for physical attention...” 

Alphys' eyes boggled out of their sockets. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. 

“Well. That's it, then! Alphys, out of kindness, I will offer you...myself!” 

…

….

“You'll  _ wha- _ ”

“No, no, Alphys,” Mettaton waved a hand in front of himself dramatically, the other pressed up against the top of his front. “There's no need to thank me. This is not out of pity, this is because you are my dear friend! A dear friend, who needs to get laid.” 

Mettaton looked pretty pleased with himself. Alphys was screaming inside. She began to push Mettaton out the door of the lab. “Get. Out.  _ Now. _ ” 

 

In just moments, Mettaton found himself outside the main door to Alphys' lab, the heat of the Hotland air causing his internal fans to work harder. He tapped on the door. “Alphys dear! Are you mad at me?” 

No response. 

“I heard sexual frustration can make you moody, so I understand!” 

A second later, the door slid open with a hiss. Alphys lobbed a screwdriver at him. “Go away!” The door hissed shut again. Mettaton sighed, and turned to leave. 

“Hey there you bag of bolts.” A tall, intimidating, angry, woman said, leaning over to be at the same level as Mettaton. Mettaton recognised Undyne immediately, and if he had the ability to, he would have begun to sweat. “What did you do to upset Alphys?”  


**Author's Note:**

> *bangs pots and pans together* im a nasty robot fucker im a nasty robot fucker im a na


End file.
